Coles Notes Chapter Four - All's Hell That Ends in Hell

In the age when OV was a popular beer and teenagers still remembered the glory that was the BeeGees (that would be 1982), John and Scott left their twisted, sodden rural roots in Kelvington/Lintlaw, and set out for a most excellent adventure in the big, bright city of Regina.

Scott and John, you see, were not really that bright themselves. That's why they enrolled in the U of R.

Arriving in Regina, the Westerners sought lodgings in a place in which they would feel at home: College West. However, the rest of the residents were from so far west that they were actually from the Far East. Non-plussed, they made friends with their new roommates: Wen, the Chinese philosopher/cook; Bob the nurse, and three German beer tasters who shall remain nameless because, well, we never learned their names.

Aside from west meaning East, John and Scott learned many other new things while at university. They constructed TV stands in a nifty shade of green by using Carlsberg cases. They discovered that coconuts taste better if you rip them apart with your bare hands. They tested their hypothesis that no matter how large is your Oldsmobile, city buses are much, much larger. They attended Social Science 100 under the tutelage of Harridan Hayford, wherein a slight, scruffy biker dude who would later turn out to be Jeff always eyed them suspiciously because, sometimes, John didn't wear shoes. John also seldom wore underwear, but Jeff probably didn't know that. Or maybe he did.

Scott and John then heard of a spiffy game called Dungeons and Dragons. They and Bob attempted to learn it themselves, but Scott killed everyone several times. The mortality rate was higher than in a Martin Scorcese. Luckily, a new roommate named Gary then moved in, and he was a Dungeon Master of great lore and no coma, and so John and Scott and nurse Bob happily adventured along.

Near the end of the school year, Gary introduced the pair to a number of other DnDers (wasn't this in spring 1983, guys?) including Murray, Sunil, the aforementioned Jeff and a stocky Viking named Andy who was a little afraid of Scott because, well, Scott looked like a terrorist in a Martin Scorcese film. Still, terrorists and Vikings have a rapport for DnD, and they got along famously.

The next fall, John abandoned his studies for the glory of RM management, so Scott found a room to rent in a part of Regina that had great character. Quaintly, it was known as The Stroll. Aside from a vegeterian Akido master who sang Lithuanian opera, he met no one of interest there. However, Scott did meet a great many more people in College West, including guys named Kevin and Leen and Fred and Sunil and (later) Steve, as well as some assorted girls like Holly and Danette that Scott didn't pay much attention to because, well, the girls were mostly interested in Murray and the trainee cops anyway.

The DnD games taught Scott that fire is the great equalizer, that Jeff believes greatly in equality (see previous e-mail string about pyromania), and that Scott should never trust anyone shorter than himself. However, he did learn how to quickly cut the mooring ropes.

This robust group decided it would be great fun to travel to the cabin of Kevin's uncle at Round Lake and play DnD for 72 hours amid stinging wasps in a clover patch rather than for 72 hours amid pizza boxes in a TV lounge. That is where Scott met the future wife of Steve and the present sister of Steve. Scott had no better luck than Jeff with Steve's sister, much to the jollity of everyone else. Shelley rather intimidated Scott, so he spoke to her very little.
(Oops, let that slip :-)
The group did more than DnD, however. They coined many now-famous phrases, including, "Yo, baggie over here," and "It is harder for Leen to canoe across Round Lake in morning fog without breaking a paddle and puking than it is for a rich man to enter the gates of heaven." Scott came up with, "Leen, can you swim? If you can't, do you float well enough for both of us?" Kevin contributed the very succinct, "AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" by waterskiing within two feet of the dock. He also earned the honourable title of Mr. Canoehead for afixing his canoe to his sedan in such a fashion as to provide lift-off at 132 kmh.

Their DnD games took them to many exotic places. Scott's paladin Jorgen woke up one morning to find that Andy the DM had put Jorgen at a jousting tournament. Jorgen would don his armour, polish his sword, and ride out onto the field to joust a mounted fire giant. The fire giant skewered Jorgen, and carried the impaled paladin around the field taunting him. The next morning, Jorgen awoke to don his armour ... again, and again, and again, every morning. Thus ends Chapter Four, All's Hell That Ends in Hell. Well, actually, it was purgatory in 1984-85.

(In literary terms, this is called foreshadowing, because the Castle Amber adventure had yet to come). Chapter Nine will also deal with the great John & Fred & Fred conspiracy.

Hmm. Perhaps you're right Jeff. If Shelly couldn't have been at the first couple of Round Lake weekends, either there was some other steely-eyed brunette there in addition to Holly (shameless sucking up to the womenfolk), or, more likely, I don't remember the first two summers whatsoever. Still, I could have sworn Shelley and Kathy were there at the same time.

Actually, the first year we all started unpacking: Jeff brought the beer, Andy brought the steaks, Kevin got out the lawn chairs, and then we all looked at Leen and said, "Where are the girls?" This explains why Leen, to this day, is never trusted with anything more significant than remembering his wallet so he can buy the next round.

I also feel compelled to mention one bizarre bit of synchronicity. In 1988, driving back from my sister's wedding, I stopped at the farm of a friend, Richard, near Kelvington. While having an evening beer, it rained for the first time in five weeks. Richard was so pleased, he announced a road trip down to Regina to see our buddy John. We drove about three hours, hung around a pizza joint, and approximately 6 a.m. went and pounded on the door of John (who was still, sadly, yet to meet Trudy. (More sucking up).) A head pokes out of the second story window. Fred's head. "Hey, you f... hey, Scott, what are you doing here?" "Fred? What are you doing here?" "Who's Fred?" "Where's John?" "You know John?" "I know John, but I don't know Fred!"

And so I discovered that John had become a treasured member of our circle entirely unbeknownst to me.

Oddly, about a year and a half later, I was paying from breakfast at the Kananaskis hotel when there was some rowdy reparte from the skiers in front of me at the till. Lo and behold, there, resplendent in a green down jacket and straw cowboy hat was our boy Fred, who had dropped out of sight a year before. This has little to do with Jeff, true, but it speaks to the ties this group has through the Fates.

What do you expect from three blind crones who fill their days making soup from spare chitlins?

1986: Scott left Regina to find a job. He ended up in Lloydminster, and about 1,213 vodka, lime and 7 later (they're called Kelvington Kididdlehoppers), met Kandi and suddenly grew up. (just warning you, this is the sort of revisionist history Kandi will be outlining).
Andy stayed in Regina, working construction, and found himself a nice, well-mannered roommate named Meg who doted on him and re-introduced him to food other than sandwiches.

Whenever it was that John and Trudy started going out serious-like, I want to take the credit. John planned a romantic picnic for the two of them (he even bought a picnic basket), and I suggested he include some potpourri and cinnamon sticks, which is very likely what won her over. Either that, or the way he wore his pants.