Doug Gibson, our pastor in training gave the sermon today. Like many a young man he intellectualized his message and for awhile I didn’t know where he was leading my mind, but about halfway through it became clear. The theme were the steps or realizations back sliding Christians and others not yet committed go through before we can acknowledge and commit or recommit ourselves to God. He used a whiteboard to emphasize his message and the last step he wrote down was the word "hopeless".
He gave an explanation, that no matter how much we try and rationalize our worthiness to enter the kingdom by our works and words, they mean absolutely nothing unless they were done in the name of the Father and to his Glory.
Things now began to fall into place for me: Like the Camel we would put through the eye of the needle, what we thought our good works (assets) are but baggage that has to be thrown away. God does not need our carefully crafted resume, itemized and rehearsed, ready to give to all and sundry. Without a word read or spoken, we stand before him with our souls bared, displaying all our failings and our virtues if any. The Word tells us that the truth will set us free. The complete Truth, without the spin or slant we like to give them to show ourselves in the best light possible.
I relived an experience I had thirty-five years previously, in London England and for whatever reason I went into an old church. I do not know what particular religion or congregation it was meant for. Despite being near the center of London, it was very quiet inside. I sat in a pew near the back. No angel or flash of divinity had caused my wandering feet to enter this place. It just happened.
No priest or minister came to me nor do I recollect if anyone else was in the church. I dimly remember someone moving slowly near the front but have no firm recollection of this. I was alone with my thoughts, my life in review. and as happened before, a few incidents that were probably known only to myself and God crept into my consciousness.
It was not a comfortable feeling. In truth, I could recall no act whatever that I had ever done to balance the scales. Finally I gave up searching when I realized that it was silly to even bother. Even I knew that all my actions were self centered, based in lust, envy and pride. If a mere mortal could realize that, certainly God knew all I had done already.
I realized how empty and shallow my life really was and that my life was almost devoid of real love and affection towards others. I do not know how long my very being was in torment but gradually I came to remember that confession and asking forgiveness would wipe the slate clean just as it had when I was a child. I prayed for forgiveness and that I might be guided to become a better person.
Many time as I had hitch hiked across the country I would see a light in the window of peoples homes at night and during the day perhaps some one mowing lawns or playing with kids. My prayers included the desire to have a life like that someday, simply put - a light in the window. To me it seemed an impossible dream at that time. But with the unspoken, but felt words, "do as you will with me, Lord." Peace, like a warm blanket on a winters night descended on my shoulders.
I have back-slid many times since and without doubt will do so again if I do not keep the Lord in my mind at all times.
I fervently pray that I will keep my mind on the Lords work and less on my own.
Amen