Evil James and Kevin

Written by Brian Stockton

INT. OFFICE - DAY BRIAN sits across a table from JAMES and KEVIN. BRIAN I don't quite know how to tell you guys this, but you're being sued. JAMES What? KEVIN This is a joke right? BRIAN No joke. They delivered the papers to our lawyers this morning. KEVIN There's got to be a mistake, who would want to sue us? JAMES And for what? BRIAN I'll tell you, but first, you'd better sit down. JAMES and KEVIN look at each other. Of course they are already seated. BRIAN It turns out there's these two guys in Red Deer Alberta who've got their own cable show. KEVIN Yeah, so? In delivering the last line, KEVIN makes a motion with his hands and knocks over a cup of coffee. BRIAN Here, I'll get that. BRIAN reaches behind himself and grabs his U of R diploma to mop up the spill. BRIAN So anyway, They're suing for copyright infringement. Their names are James and Kevin. KEVIN But our names really are "James" and "Kevin", how can they sue us for using our own names? BRIAN That's not all. Their show has some striking similarities. JAMES Like what? BRIAN Well, like everything. KEVIN What do you mean everything? BRIAN Like the theme song, the bits, everything. Everything except the haircuts. KEVIN Well, they certainly couldn't copy those. BRIAN Only if they were poodles. JAMES and KEVIN look at each other's hair BRIAN Anyway, I brought a clip. It's called "The Evil James and Kevin Show". Could we roll that clip please? BRIAN looks off screen, presumably toward a monitor. JAMES and KEVIN follow his cue, but both look off in completely different directions. CUT TO: EXT. CITY STREET - DAY There's two men on the street who look exactly like James and Kevin except they have weird greasy hair and bad clothes. They have a microphone and are doing a "man on the street" bit. A MAN walks by. EVIL JAMES Excuse me sir, can we talk to you for a second? The MAN stops. EVIL KEVIN Hi there, we're James and Kevin, we have a local cable show. We're doing a poll. How many hours of sleep did you get last night? MAN Well, I usually get about seven and a Half EVIL KEVIN I see, seven and a half. That's funny, you don't look a day over six. Ha, ha, ha. I'm sorry I don't... EVIL KEVIN Oh, that's okay, I'm just having some fun with you! Ha ha. EVIL JAMES There's something else I want to ask you. JAMES suddenly punches the man in the face, sending him sprawling on the ground. EVIL JAMES Have you ever been beaten up on television? KEVIN kicks the man repeatedly in the stomach while JAMES chuckles.

BACK TO THE OFFICE KEVIN That's hideous. JAMES Yeah, our ad libs are much funnier. BRIAN Wait, I've got another one. You know how you guys do that bit where you cut to the people in their houses watching your show? KEVIN Yeah. BRIAN They say you stole that bit from them. Here's a clip. They all look in different directions. CUT TO: INT. WAYNE SELBY'S APT - DAY WAYNE is watching television and eating some spray- whipped cream. WAYNE looks a little woozy. WAYNE I, ... I ... think I've got scurvy. WAYNE falls over. CUT BACK TO: THE OFFICE KEVIN That's not a bit. He's a real viewer. BRIAN Oh, sorry. What about this one... They all look off again. Instead of cutting to the clip, they all look in horror as a door swings open. ANGLE ON EVIL JAMES AND KEVIN as they walk into the office. They walk over to BRIAN and tip his chair backwards, toppling him over. EVIL JAMES So, at last we meet! CLOSE ON JAMBS AND KEVIN JAMES Look, there's been a horrible misunderstanding. CUT BACK TO EVIL JAMES AND EVIL KEVIN EVIL KEVIN I'll say there has. EVIL KEVIN starts to pull out a gun. Suddenly, several shots are fired, knocking EVIL JAMES and EVIL KEVIN to the ground. CUT BACK TO JAMBS AND kevin, they're both holding guns and laughing maniacally. CUT TO: INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT KEVIN wakes up in a panic. He sits up in his bed screaming. KEVIN Oh, thank god it was just a dream. CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT KEVIN steps in front of the bathroom mirror. He has the bad hair-do of EVIL KEVIN. Again he screams. CUT TO: INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT JAMES sits upright in bed screaming. Then he calms himself. JAMES Wait a minute. What am I screaming for? That wasn't so bad. Then JAMES looks beside him and the CAMERA PANS AND ZOOMS to reveal WAYNE lying beside him in bed. JAMES Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!! FREEZE FRAME FADE OUT

Locations: This can all be faked at the filmpool in the back space. We could go to Waynes, but it would probably take longer. Cast: James, Kevin, Brian, Wayne and a Man (Jack?) Props: Whipped cream, Brian's diploma, coffee and cup, pillow and blankets, hand guns, hand held mic. Wardrobe: "Good" wardrobe and "evil" wardrobe, including hair goop. Sound FX: Gunfire. Assuming we do it at the filmpool, I could shoot it in four hours.