D:\Cable\scripts\james

JAMES’ STALKER DRAFT ONE

DRAFT ONE

1 STATION ID-1 1

OPENING SHOT OF SMALL URBAN MUNDANE
PARK SCENE. THE SHOT FEATURES A
CANADIAN GOOSE. ELEVATOR MUSIC UNDER.
A BAD VOICE OVER MAN ANNOUNCES THE
STATION IDENTIFICATION FOR THE
COMMUNITY CABLE ACCESS CHANNEL IN A
SMALL CITY CALLED REGINA.

CABLE ANNOUNCER
(V/O)

You are watching Access 10. Community

television in the beautiful city of

Regina. Where the soup of the day is

cheese.

FADE TO BLACK
PROLOGUE

2 INT. JAMES' BEDROOM - MORNING 2

JAMES LAY ASLEEP ON HIS WATERBED IN A
TWISTED ARRANGEMENT OF SHEETS,
COMFORTERS, AND VARIOUS ODDITIES SUCH
AS A COW PUPPET. THE ROOM IS A
DISGUSTING MESS. JAMES' FACE IS
HIDDEN BY THE SHEETS. PHONE RINGING
AND HIS ANSWERING MACHINE IMMEDIATELY
PICKS UP. JAMES STIRS SLIGHTLY.

JAMES
(V/O - answering machine)

Hi, this is James.

If you have any sense of decency

you'll leave a message after the

tone.

(answering machine beep)

CARRIE, A WOMAN IN HER VERY EARLY
TWENTIES, LEAVES A MESSAGE ON THE
JAMES MACHINE.

CARRIE
(V/O-answering machine)

Hi James. You don't really know me.
(awkward pause)

This is going to sound really weird.

I really love your cable show and

I've been following you the last

couple of days. Not stalking you or

anything--I don't want you to think

I'm some sort of psycho or something.

JAMES SITS UPRIGHT IN BED, A LITTLE
HORRIFIED.

CARRIE
(V/O)

I really think you and Kevin are

hilarious--will, especially you. I

think you are adorable when you're on

TV and I just started following you

around. You eat a lot of fast food,

don't you.

James, I just think you're wonderful.

I hope you don't think this is too

forward, but I got you some flowers.

I love you, James! I guess I'll go

now. Oh--I guess you probably don't

know my name. It's Carrie. Maybe we

could go out some time. That is if

you're not seeing anyone else. Bye!

Oh yeah. The flowers are on your

desk. Hope you like 'em. Bye.

CAMERA WIDENS AS JAMES LOOKS WITH
AMAZEMENT TO THE DESK BESIDE HIS BED.
IT HAS AN ARRANGEMENT OF FLOWERS ON
IT THAT CONTAIN AN OBNOXIOUSLY CUTE
STUFFED ANIMAL.

JAMES
(screams)

PHONE RINGS AGAIN AND THE MACHINE
PICKS UP IMMEDIATELY. THE SAME
OUTGOING MESSAGE PLAYS AND JAMES
LOOKS AT THE MACHINE AFRAID IT MIGHT
BE HER AGAIN BUT IT'S KEVIN CALLING
THIS TIME.

KEVIN
(V/O-speaker)

James, it's Kevin. Wake up. We have a

show to do today.
(luring)

We're getting free foo-ood. All the

mini doughnuts we can--
(Kevin sniffs as if he's
smelling)

Are those flowers? What are you doing

with flowers?

JAMES' EYES POP OPEN AS HE LOOKS AT
HIS MACHINE IN SHOCK AT KEVIN'S
APPARENT ABILITY.

3 INT. CABLE OFFICE - DAY. 3

KEVIN LOOKS OVER JAMES'S DESK WHICH
IS COVERED IN BOUQUETS OF FLOWERS
WITH RIDICULOUSLY CUTE ORNAMENTS.
KEVIN SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF.
LAL, THEIR PRODUCER, IS HAPPY TO SEE
THE FLOWERS. SHE IS BUSY ARRANGING
THEM AND DISCARDING SOME OF THE
WRAPPING THEY CAME IN.

KEVIN

This is incredible. Who would do

this? Especially to James?
(he continues to the camera)

Why don't I ever get a stalker? What

does James have that I don't have?

What could this woman possibly see in

him?

Louise
(to Kevin)

Maybe he's her type. You're not

everyone's cup of tea, you know.

KEVIN

Thanks Lal. Stick to producing our

show.
(to camera)

It's not that James hasn't had his

women. It's simply a matter of

chemistry. Most of James' girl

friends have gone on to paddle on the

other side of the canoe, if you know

what I mean. He hasn't had the

greatest luck with members of the

opposing sex. I love the guy and all

but this sort of thing just doesn't

happen to James.

JAMES ENTERS THE FAR END OF THE
OFFICE WEARING OUTDOOR CLOTHING.

JAMES
(loudly to be heard across
the room)

Kevin, get away from those. The boys

in the lab said this woman could be

nuts.

Louise

Hey, loverboy.

JAMES

Lal.

Louise

The flowers are wonderful. I don't

think she's nuts.

A woman doesn't have to be crazy to

like a guy, you know.

KEVIN

She does if it's James she likes.

Louise

Kevin.

JAMES

She may be nuts but at least she has

taste.

JAMES PICKS UP ONE OR TWO OF THE
VASES.

JAMES

Help me take these things into the

lab.

Louise

Why are the lab guys so sure she's

nuts? Maybe she's a perfectly normal--

possibly even good-looking-- person

you might like.

KEVIN

If she has all her own hair and teeth

James will like her.

ALL THREE WALK TO THE LAB WITH THE
FLOWERS.

JAMES

I do have some sort of standards you

know.

KEVIN

Oh bull. You'd go out with

anyone...Own hair and teeth, that's

all you look for.
(to camera)

The love monkey hasn't swung from

James' tree in some time now.

JAMES
(to camera)

Don't listen to him. I'm not the sort

of person to kiss and tell.
(to Kevin)

What makes you think I tell you

everything about my personal life?

KEVIN

Keith in customer service and I

looked through your cable account. A

man who's getting it doesn't order

Yank My Doodle Dandy three times a in

one month on pay per view.

LAL, JAMES, AND KEVIN ENTER THE
TECH'S LAB. MILES THE TECH IS BUSY
WORKING WITH A PIECE OF EQUIPMENT.

Louise

I don't think I want to hear this.

JAMES

You don't. Kevin, stop looking at my

cable account.

KEVIN
(snickering smugly)

The account tells all.

JAMES

Lal, as our producer I want you to

fire Kevin's ass for snooping in my

cable account.

Louise

I think that well have to be up to

Mr. Scadding.

JAMES

Miles, what have you got?
(to camera)

This is Miles. He's our main

technician for the cable company. Not

only can he get the snow off HBO but

he can do a lab analysis on just

about anything.

KEVIN
(to camera)

There's a rumour that the FBI

contracts work out to him every now

and then when

something big comes up.

MILES

That's not true, gentlemen. The

Bureau simply had some difficulties

with their TNN reception because of

interference from some of their

sophisticated computer systems. The

locals couldn't figure it out so I

was called in to lend a hand.

MILES WALKS OVER TO A COMPUTER BESIDE
A MICROSCOPE.

MILES

Come over here for a moment.

JAMES, KEVIN, AND Louise SET THE FLOWERS
ON A WORK BENCH AND FOLLOW MILES.
MILES HOLDS UP A VOICE ANALYSIS
GRAPH.

MILES

This is your stalker's voice analysis

from your answering machine tape.

The pattern indicates a Caucasian

female, early twenties,...eldest of

three children, art education major,

perhaps someone who's done a lot of

dieting the last few years but I

can't be sure. I've fed this into a

special program I have on the main

frame computer and I should have a

rough composite picture of what she

looks like in a few minutes. Then

I'll have a better idea about the

dieting thing.

Louise

That's amazing.

JAMES
(to camera)

I told you he was good.

KEVIN NODS TO THE CAMERA IN
AGREEMENT.

MILES

There's one thing I'm concerned about

though.

JAMES

What's that?

MILES

Remember when we had to put that tap

on your phone line a few months back

when you had that little problems?

JAMES

Yeah.

Louise

What problem?

KEVIN

You wouldn't want to hear about this,

either.
(to camera)

James isn't very popular with certain

political extremist groups, either.

MILES

You see James, although we've never

successfully traced the origin of

those calls, we do have the voice

print and it's a ninety-nine per cent

match with the flower girl.

JAMES

But you told me that first caller was

an Iraqi freedom fighter--a man.

MILES

A clever disguise. The voice print

doesn't lie. At least ninety-nine per

cent of the time. James, we need to

take immediate precautions. This

woman is unstable and possibly very

dangerous. You should be careful when

you are out shooting your show in

public until we can find her.

4 EXT. DOUGHNUT SHOP - DAY. 4

JAMES AND KEVIN INTRODUCE THIS WEEK'S
SHOW ON DOUGHNUTS IN FRONT OF A
DOUGHNUT SHOP. TIM, PIMPLY-FACED
DOUGHNUT-MAKER, JOINS THEM.

JAMES

Hello and welcome to the James and

Kevin Show. I'm James and the

ridiculous-looking guy on the end is

Kevin. Kevin, who is with us here

today?

KEVIN

James, I have the honour and the

privilege to introduce Tim, a skilled

and valued employee here at Robin's

Doughnuts. Tim, welcome to the show.

TIM

Thank you.

KEVIN

Tim, how long have you been with the

company?

TIM
(a little proud)

About four years. Yeah, four years

this summer.

JAMES

Sorry to hear that.

KEVIN

Tim, you have extensive knowledge in

the making of doughnuts, do you not.

TIM
(laughs)

Yeah. I guess.

KEVIN

You've have a lot of fond memories

over those four years?

TIM

A few I guess.

JAMES

Do you eat a lot of doughnuts, Tim?

TIM

Maybe a bit more than most people,

but not--

JAMES
(interrupting)

Have you ever stolen doughnuts from

the company?

TIM
(stumbles, trying to find
the words)

JAMES

Maybe a box here and there? A couple

of honey dip now and then? Maybe

brought some home for the family at

Christmas?

TIM

No.

KEVIN

You MUST BE VERY PROUD.

JAMES

Been in a lot of trouble with the

police, haven't you? Tim.

TIM

Uh, no.

KEVIN

Do you have any credentials. Degrees

or certificates in doughnut-making?

Did you do an undergraduate at

Stanford, maybe?

TIM

No, they just train you here for a

couple of weeks--

JAMES

You're a fraud, aren't you, Timmy? If

that's your real name.

TIM

Uh.

JAMES

What's you're favourite kind of

screwdriver?

KEVIN

Robertson number two.

JAMES

I'm asking Timmy.

TIM

I don't really know.

KEVIN
(feigned disbelief)

And you're a doughnut-maker.

JAMES

Can we go see how doughnuts are made?

Can you show us?

TIM

Okay.

5 INT. DOUGHNUT SHOP KITCHEN. 5

JAMES, KEVIN, AND TIM ARE IN THE
KITCHEN WITH ANOTHER EMPLOYEE WORKING
IN THE BACKGROUND.

JAMES

Tim, how many varieties of Doughnuts

are made here?

TIM

It depends, on busy shifts we can

have thirty-six at the counter at one

time.

KEVIN

What's your favourite variety?

TIM

I don't know. Chocolate glazed?

JAMES

How may can you eat in a sitting.

TIM

Lots, if I wanted to.

JAMES

More than me?

TIM
(smiling)

Oh for sure.

6 INT. FRONT TABLE SECTION OF STORE. 6

JAMES AND TIM SIT AT A TABLE WITH A
MOUNTAIN OF DOUGHNUTS BETWEEN THEM.
THEY INHALE THEM ONE AT A TIME INTO
THEIR MOUTHS. KEVIN WATCHES OVER THEM
KEEPING COUNT IN THE DOUGHNUT EATING
CONTEST. TERRY A COUNTER SERVER WORKS
BY THE TILL.

JAMES
(mouth full)

TO TERRY

I'm going to need some more of figure

eight sugar things in a minute.

FOOD FALLS OUT OF JAMES' MOUTH. A
CUSTOMER REACTS WITH DISCOMFORT.

7 INT. DOUGHNUT SHOP KITCHEN. 7

JAMES, KEVIN, AND TIM CONTINUE THE
INTRODUCTION TO THE BAKERY.

KEVIN

Would you say that doughnuts are

healthy for you?

TIM

I would, but I'm not a doctor or

anything.

JAMES

That's good enough for me.

JAMES GRABS A DOUGHNUT OFF A BAKING
TRAY AND EATS ITS.

KEVIN

Can you show us how to make them?

TIM

Sure. Come over here.

ALL THREE WALK OVER TO A LARGE MIXING
MACHINE. TIM PICKS UP A LARGE
INDUSTRIAL BAG OF FLOUR.

KEVIN

Wait a minute, let James give you a

hand. He needs to learn by doing.

JAMES PICKS UP A BAG OF FLOUR AND
POURS IT INTO THE LARGE METAL MIXING
CONTAINER. IN THE PROCESS HE
TRANSFERS SOME WHITE FLOUR FROM HIS
HAND TO THE TIP OF HIS NOSE.

KEVIN

James, you have some flour on your

face.

JAMES

Oh, do I?

JAMES WIPES HIS FACE IN THE WRONG
PLACE.

JAMES

Did I get it?

KEVIN

Nope. Try again.

JAMES WIPES HIS FACE AGAIN, STILL IN
THE WRONG SPOT AND DOESN'T REMOVE ANY
FLOUR.

JAMES

How's that?

KEVIN

Yep. You got it.

JAMES CONTINUES WITH FLOUR ON THE TIP
OF HIS NOSE. TIM LOOKS CONFUSED BY
THIS.

KEVIN
(to Tim)

You people don't make crullers do

you? Those doughnut things that look

and taste like a tractor tire?

JAMES
(to Kevin)

They're not really part of the

doughnut family.

TIM

Yeah we make them.

KEVIN

Really. I can't believe that. Do

people actually buy them?

TIM

Yes they do. We make 'em everyday.

KEVIN

What kind of morons buy crullers? I

just can't understand that.

--TO BE CONTINUED LATER IN THE
SHOW
Commercial Parody: Fat Devil

8 EXT. CITY STREET - DAY. 8

JAMES WALKS DOWN A CITY SIDEWALK
WHILE ADDRESSING THE CAMERA IN HIS
HOLLOW, TRANSPARENT "I'M ON TV AND
YOU'RE NOT" VOICE.

JAMES

Hello, I'm James Whittingham. Perhaps

you know me from "The James and Kevin

Show". Regardless, by now you've

probably noticed my great, free and

easy hair cut. I achieved this

fantastic look not at a salon, but

with the patented Flowbee. A

revolutionary device that attaches to

the end of you vacuum cleaner hose.

9 EXT. STREET BY MEDICAL CLINIC. 9

JAMES

Well, the innovative folks at Fat

Devil, North America's most trusted

vacuum company, took this idea one

step further. They say, "What works

for great hair cuts could also work

for weight management.

JAMES STOPS ON THE SIDEWALK TO SHOW A
MEDICAL CLINIC IN THE BACKGROUND.

JAMES

Why spend thousands of dollars on a

simple procedure you can do in the

comfort of your own home?

GRAPHIC: BEFORE AND AFTER PHOTOS OF
JAMES.

An actual photo of James Whittingham

when he was over a hundred pounds

heavier with the caption "before"

over it. Beside it a recent photo of

James with the caption "after" over

it.

JAMES
(V.O.)

I lost a total of a hundred and

twenty pounds with the Fat Devil Home

Liposuction System. Friends, let me

tell you that I've never felt better.

And I still enjoy generous portions

of the foods I love.

10 4A. INT. LIVING ROOM. 10

JAMES STANDS HOLDING A VACUUM CLEANER
HOSE IN ONE HAND AND A THIN PLASTIC
TUBE ATTACHMENT IN THE OTHER.

JAMES

The Fat Devil Home Liposuction kit

comes complete with a doctor-

inspired, patented vacuum cleaner

attachment, a sterilized scalpel--

that's something the medical

profession uses to cut things with--

and a suture kit that's as easy to

use as sewing a button on an old

sweater.

CAMERA ZOOMS IN TO A MEDIUM CLOSE UP.
THE VACUUM IS HEARD BEING POWERED ON.
A DENTAL-LIKE SUCTION-SLURPING IS
HEARD OUT OF FRAME. JAMES GRIMACES
SLIGHTLY BUT CONTINUES TO SPEAK OVER
THE NOISE.

JAMES

Order now and you will receive the

ExtendaSuck attachment with mirror

for hard to reach problem areas.

11 4B. INT. ANOTHER LIVING ROOM. 11

KEVIN STRUGGLES WITH AN ADULT LONG-
HAIRED CAT AND A VACUUM CLEANER WITH
A FLOWBEE-LIKE ATTACHMENT.

JAMES
(V.O.)

And, as a special bonus, if you call

in the next five minutes, we'll also

send you the Popeel Flowbee for cats.

A twenty-nine, ninety-nine value.

KEVIN POWERS ON THE VACUUM AND TRIES
TO APPLY THE ATTACHMENT TO HIS CAT
BUT THE CAT RESISTS AND IT GOES OUT
OF FRAME WITH THE ATTACHMENT MAKING
CONTACT.

FLURRY OF CAT CRIES AND SCREAMS OFF
CAMERA

A MOMENT LATER THE CAT NOISES
ABRUPTLY STOP. A SHORT TINY SHORT
HAIRED CAT, A FRACTION OF THE SIZE OF
THE FIRST, EMERGES AS IF IT JUST
RECEIVED A MAJOR HAIR CUT AND HAS
QUICKLY FORGOTTEN THE WHOLE ORDEAL.

12 GRAPHIC AND PHOTO--FAT DEVIL HOME LIPOSUCTION KIT. 12

JAMES

Call now to order the Fat Devil home

liposuction kit.

Operators are standing by. You'll get

the patented Fat Devil home

liposuction kit with the bonus

ExtendaSuck attachment, and the

Flowbee for Cats, a twenty-nine,

ninety-nine value.

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