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Part 2 of 3 13 INT. MR. SCUDDING’S OFFICE. 13 JAMES AND KEVIN ENTER THE DOORWAY OF FRED SCADDING'S OFFICE. FRED SITS BEHIND HIS DESK AND IS ACCOMPANIED BY MARSHAL, THE STATION'S NEW VOLUNTEER. KEVIN You wanted to see us Mr. Scadding? FRED Yes, James. KEVIN It's Kevin, sir. FRED Yes. C'mon in. This is Marshal. He's volunteered at the Cable station in Yorkton for the last couple years and he's come to help us out. MARSHAL STANDS TO GREET JAMES AND KEVIN. MARSHAL It's a pleasure to finally meet you guys. I love your show. You guys are great. JAMES (callous) Thank you. Mr Scadding I have a bit of a problem and I'm concerned about-- FRED Yeah, I know some psycho woman been putting flowers in your bedroom. Does she know you have hay fever? JAMES I--I don't know, Sir-- MARSHAL I have hay fever. KEVIN Shut up, Marshal. FRED Marshal and I are related, Allardyce. KEVIN to Marshal How badly do you get it? FRED He's a nephew or something. It's difficult to figure things out in my family. No one ever seems to stay married long and you know how it is. Are you fellas married? JAMES AND KEVIN No, Sir. FRED Well you should start thinking about it. I talked to your mother the other day James. She's very concerned. Perhaps you should give this nut- woman a fair shake. JAMES But Sir the lab says-- FRED Oh don't listen to the lab. They still can't figure out why my wife's a right eye started twitching the moment they set up my direct to home satellite service last summer. Poor women. It breaks my heart just to look at her these days. Louise ENTERS THE DOORWAY TO INTERRUPT. Louise Excuse me Mr. Scadding. James you have a phone call. I think it's your stalker. JAMES Oh God. FRED (to James) Talk to her. See what she's like. If she's got her own hair and teeth maybe you'll like her. JAMES AND KEVIN STAND. MARSHAL (trying to enter the conversation) My mom has her own teeth. KEVIN You must be very proud. JAMES Mr. Scadding, I really don't want to talk to this woman. Did you tell her I was in the building Louise I told her you were out for lunch but she said you don't take lunch 'till 11:45 and she is already at Burger King. I didn't know what to say. She had me on that one. JAMES Kevin you talk to her. Tell her I'm shooting something in the studio or something. KEVIN Alright. JAMES AND KEVIN BEGIN TO LEAVE. KEVIN Should I ask her if she has her own teeth? JAMES I don't care. Just try to get her off my back. FRED Boys, take Marshal with you. KEVIN Why? FRED He wants to work on your show. He seems to think you're funny. I don't know why. Louise Mr. Scadding, we already have a full staff of experienced volunteers. FRED Well maybe he could be their personal assistant or something. James could use a bodyguard apparently. Give him a chance. He's a smart boy. JAMES thinking of the possibilities) What can we have him do? FRED Anything that will be helpful to your show. Just keep him busy and out of trouble. JAMES Yes, sir. 14 INT. CABLE OFFICE. 14 KEVIN PICKS UP THE PHONE WHILE JAM, MARSHAL, AND Louise WATCH TO SEE HOW HE MANAGES TALKING TO THE STALKER. KEVIN Hello? No. This is Kevin. To whom am I speaking? JAMES to Marshal I'm going to need a drink. Do you drink, Marshal? MARSHAL No, not yet, but-- JAMES Go to the cafeteria and get James a drinkin' box of their worst white wine. Louise Wine? JAMES Just go, boy. And don't come back 'till you get me that wine. JAMES SENDS MARSHAL OUT OF THEIR IMMEDIATE OFFICE. KEVIN No, honest. He can't come to the phone right now. He's...he's having his artificial leg refitted. It's been acting up ever since his last girl friend took that lightening bolt right off his knee cap. There wasn't a thunderstorm or anything. Just a big charge of static as he dragged it across some carpet. She may never tap dance again. She couldn't make a tapping noise if her life depended on it. She's Jello now. Pure Jello. She has to be kept refrigerated or she goes bad... MILES ENTERS WITH A PHOTOGRAPH. MILES James, we have the computer generated photo. JAMES (hastily taking the photo) I knew it. She's a mule. MILES turning photo in James' hand It's upside down. JAMES (grimacing) It was better the other way. MILES Note the floral blouse and the piercing eyes. She may have been a bee in a past life. Louise (sarcastic) Didn't the computer tell you that already? James, you can't rely on a computer to know what this woman looks like. JAMES (adjusting picture) She looks like a computer. Something prepentium, I would think. MILES TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT THE PHOTO AND IS PRE-OCCUPIED BY IT. JAMES LOOKS OVER TO KEVIN'S TELEPHONE CONVERSATION WITH THE STALKER. KEVIN (on phone) Do I have my own hair? Yeah, for the most part. MARSHAL EAGERLY RETURNS, OUT OF BREATH. MARSHAL The cafeteria lady said they don't have wine. I searched behind the counter when she wasn't looking and all I found was this flask full of Bourbon, I think. JAMES (impressed) Good work, Marshal. But James needs some wine. There's a church across the street. Go over there and see what you can dig up. MARSHAL (still earnest) Alright. (to Kevin) Mr. Allardyce I'm going across the street to the Church to get James some wine. Do you want anything? KEVIN THINKS THEN COVERS THE MOUTHPIECE ON THE TELEPHONE. KEVIN Sure. See if they have anything in a blessed Chardonnay. MARSHAL, NOT SENSING ANY SARCASM, FERVENTLY RUSHES OF.. KEVIN (continuing on phone) I'm telling you he's not here. There's no point in coming here-- hello? Oh-oh. KEVIN HANGS UP THE PHONE AND ABRUPTLY TRIES TO LEAVE. JAMES (worried) She's coming here. She's coming here isn't she? KEVIN (nervously lying) No. I got to go. I'll see you. Louise STOPS HIM WITH HER HAND. BREAKER SKIT 15 LIVING ROOM. 15 A REAR VIEW OF A LARGE MAN SEATED ON A COUCH. HE IS WEARING A HALLOWEEN DEVIL'S COSTUME WORKING SOMETHING WE CANNOT SEE IN HIS ABDOMEN AREA. A VACUUM CLEANER MOTOR AND SLURPING- SUCKING IS HEARD UNDER THE VOICE OVER. CABLE ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The following Access 10 community program is brought to you by Fat Devil. GRAPHIC: FAT DEVIL LOGO. 16 INT. FRONT COUNTER. 16 JAMES AND KEVIN ARE NOW TAKING THE CUSTOMERS' ORDERS FOR DOUGHNUTS AT THE FRONT COUNTER AREA. THE RACKS OF DIFFERENT VARIETIES OF DOUGHNUTS ARE BEHIND THEM. THERE IS, HOWEVER, ONLY ONE VARIETY IN ALL THE RACKS. CRULLERS FILL ALL THE SHELVES WITH MAKESHIFT SIGNS LABELLING THEM AS SUCH. JAMES IS NOW COMPLETELY DIRTIED BY FLOUR AND OTHER BAKING INGREDIENTS. CUSTOMER 1, A MAN IN HIS FORTIES, APPROACHES THE COUNTER TO BE SERVED BY KEVIN. KEVIN Good evening, how may Crullers would you care for this evening. CUSTOMER 1 (unsure of what's going on) Uh. Is that all you have tonite? I'd like to get some maple dip. KEVIN Sorry. Just crullers. How many would you like? Any more than six and you're just going to feel nauseous. CUSTOMER 1 LOOKS OVER THE SHELVES IN DISBELIEF, HOPING TO SPOT SOMETHING OTHER THAN CRULLERS. JAMES I apologize, Sir. It's all my fault. You see, Tim, was showing me how to make crullers in the back-- they're just so amazing--they look like tractor tires, eh. Well I just couldn't get it right and I ended up making so many. CUSTOMER 1 That's okay. I think I'll go to another location. CUSTOMER 1 BEGINS TO LEAVE. JAMES Be sure to look us up on the internet. It's www-dot- doughnut-dot- com. The com is for "com again," the doughnuts is for "doughnuts." I'm not sure what the www is for. KEVIN I think it's a Latin abbreviation for "cruller." CUSTOMER 1 LOOKS BACK IN DISBELIEF AS HE EXITS THE DOOR. CUSTOMER 2, A MAN OLDER THAN THE FIRST CUSTOMER APPROACHES THE COUNTER TO BE SERVED BY KEVIN. CUSTOMER 2 Do you really only have crullers tonite? KEVIN Yes, I'm afraid so. How many would you like? CUSTOMER 2 I need two doughnuts. If all you got is crullers, I guess I'll have to take those. And could I get a receipt? KEVIN Certainly. KEVIN LOOKS AROUND UNDER THE COUNTER BUT CAN'T FIND ANY BOXES. HE WALKS TO THE DOUGHNUT SHELVES WITH A PAIR OF TONGS. KEVIN I'm sorry, Sir we seem to be out of boxes and bags this evening. Would you mind just carrying them in your hands. Maybe put a few in your pockets? KEVIN ATTEMPTS TO SET A CRULLER IN THE HANDS OF CUSTOMER 2. JAMES FOLLOWS BY TRYING TO PUT A COUPLE OF CRULLERS IN THE CUSTOMER'S HANDS. CUSTOMER 2 You don't have any bags of any sort? KEVIN Sorry. I know it's an inconvenience but maybe you could manage. JAMES What if we got that broken broomstick from the back room and lined 'em up on that? I think it could hold a couple dozen. CUSTOMER 2 (angered but contained) Could I see the manager? KEVIN Sorry, I don't think-- JAMES He's in the back making more crullers. 17 INT. FRONT COUNTER - LATER. 17 CUSTOMER 3 ENTERS. SHE IS GIRL IN HER EARLY TEENS. SHE SURVEYS THE CRULLER- FILLED SHELVES. CUSTOMER 3 All you have is crullers? KEVIN Yes. There was a grave misunderstanding at our morning meeting, and, well... JAMES We might have a couple of cream filled, but they're day-olds, I think. CUSTOMER I'll take some of those. JAMES Some of them might not have any cream in them, though. KEVIN Phillippe, our cream boy, tends to suck out all the cream from the day olds. JAMES The cream part just doesn't keep like the rest of the doughnut. CUSTOMER 3 Do you have any long Johns? JAMES sadly looking away in thought No. KEVIN Are you sure you wouldn't like some of those "former cream-filled"? CUSTOMER 3 I don't think so. JAMES (to Kevin) How do they get the cream in those things, anyway? KEVIN We cook the doughnut half way so the dough in the middle is still a wet paste. Then Phillippe, the cream boy, sucks it out with a straw and replaces the empty doughnut chamber with the cream filling. JAMES (amazed) Really? KEVIN Yup. Phillippe's great at it. He's very hygienic. What, with being a Lithuanian midget and all. They prefer to be called "little people." 18 EXT. PARKING LOT OUTSIDE DOUGHNUT SHOP - DUSK. 18 JAMES AND KEVIN HELP CUSTOMER 3 DELIVER MANY LARGE BAGS OF CRULLERS TO CUSTOMER 3'S MOTHER WAITING IN A CAR. MOTHER (surprised) What's all this for? JAMES Crullers, Ma’am. We've got a sale on crullers. Breaker Skit: "Sixty Minutes of Goldfish" 19 INT. GOLDFISH TANK FILLING CAMERA FRAME. 19 A SINGLE GOLDFISH SWIMS IN A LARGE HOME AQUARIUM. THE AQUARIUM FILLS THE CAMERA FRAME. AMONG THE NOVELTY ORNAMENTS INSIDE IS A SUNKEN SHIP FIGURINE. GRAPHIC: "SIXTY MINUTES OF GOLDFISH" THURSDAYS AT 6PM ACCESS 10 LOGO AT BOTTOM OF SCREEN CABLE ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Watch "Sixty Minutes of Goldfish" Thursdays at six on community cable, Access This week's edition: Part two of..."Confusion Over the Sunken Ship". That's "Sixty Minutes of Goldfish" between six and seven Thursdays. 20 INT. LIVING ROOM. 20 JAMES IN DRAG AS AN UPPER-MIDDLE AGED HOUSEWIFE IN APRON. HE DUSTS AROUND AN AQUARIUM. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The following mad attempt at comedy is brought to you by the new Flowbee for Fish. JAMES NOTICES SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE FISH IN HIS AQUARIUM AND TURNS ON HIS VACUUM. HE INSERTS THE NOZZLE AND SUCKS IN THE DEAD FISH. HORRIBLE NOISES OCCUR AS A RESULT OF A WET FISH GETTING LODGED IN THE HOSE. NEW BRIEF. 21 "NEW BRIEF" INTRO, MUSIC, GRAPHICS. 21 ANNOUNCER (V.O.) This is an Access 10 information update. Here is Elvis Manning. 22 INT. ACCESS 10 NEWS SET. 22 ELVIS MANNING, A JOURNALIST WHO'S TALENT IS JUST SHORT OF THAT OF A BROADCASTER WORKING AT A REAL BROADCAST STATION, SITS BEHIND HIS DESK ON THE MODEST CABLE NEWS SET. ELVIS ISN'T ENTIRELY OBJECTIVE. ELVIS IS IN HIS MID THIRTIES AND IS A NORMAL LOOKING NEWSCASTER, NOT BARING ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE "KING". ELVIS Good evening, James Whittingham of the Access 10 program "The James and Kevin Show" is in mortal danger at this hour. A mad woman, referring to herself as simply "Carrie", is reported to have stalked the performer for several days and is apparently close to hunting him down like the dog that he is. 23 COVER FOOTAGE OF JAMES DOING HIS MAN ON THE STREET SHOW 23 ELVIS (V.O.) The Access 10 personality is now in hiding from his attacker. Police inspector Rob Darwitz believes Whittingham may be dead by dawn tomorrow. 24 INT. POLICE OFFICE. 24 DARWITZ STANDS BY HIS SQUAD CAR IN FRONT OF A DOUGHNUT SHOP. DARWITZ There's really nothing we can do other than pray. Obviously we're hoping for the best. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. 25 INT. CABLE OFFICE. 25 KEVIN STANDS AND TALKS TO THE UNSEEN REPORTER, OCCASIONALLY LOOKING AT THE CAMERA. HE IS NERVOUS TO BE VIDEOGRAPHED IN THIS MANNER. KEVIN It's really an unfortunate situation. I wish there were more we could do for him. I feel for James. I've had my share of obsessed women come after me as well. 26 INT. MR. SCADDING'S OFFICE. 26 MR. SCADDING SITS WITH UNCOMFORTABLE POSTURE BEHIND HIS DESK. HIS HANDS ARE CLASPED IN FRONT OF HIM. HE TOO IS UNCOMFORTABLE BEING INTERVIEWED. FRED Nobody, in television is that easy to replace, but, yeah, we could probably get someone to take over from him on the show. 27 EXT. JAMES' MOM'S GARDEN. 27 JAMES' MOM As soon as they hit puberty they become troublemakers. He's been in and out of trouble since he was twelve. Thirty-six hours in labour for that. My heavens. 28 EXT, DOUGHNUT SHOP. 28 A STALKER, A SCRUFFY YOUNG WOMAN FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS, STANDS IN FRONT OF THE DOUGHNUT SHOP. GRAPHIC: "CONFESSED STALKER" STALKER Mr. Whittingham, guy from the cable show? Yeah, I'd say he's in some trouble. Probably get hurt good if he doesn't go out with her. I'd certainly make him pay for what he done. DARWITZ WALKS THROUGH THE BACKGROUND CARRYING A DISPOSABLE COFFEE CUP. 29 INT. CABLE NEWS STUDIO. 29 ELVIS MANNING We'll have more after Whittingham is killed. I'm Elvis Manning. THE SET UP - "WATER COLOUR PAINTING" 30 EXT. SHOPPING MALL PARKING LOT - DAY. 30 ESTABLISHING SHOTS OF A EXHIBIT SET UP OUTSIDE A MALL. SEVERAL WATER COLOUR PAINTINGS ARE ON DISPLAY WHILE AN ARTIST--JAMES--PAINTS ON A CANVAS IN THE BACKGROUND. CABLE ANNOUNCER (V.O.) This weekend come down to the Stratmore Mall in Regina to see an exhibit of renowned water colour artist and philanthropist James Whittingham. This exciting show and sale lasts until 5pm Sunday only and is introduced by Access 10 personality, Kevin Allardyce. 31 EXT. KEVIN TALKING TO ACTUAL PEOPLE ABOUT INDIVIDUAL 31 PAINTINGS. KEVIN STANDS IN FRONT OF AN ABSTRACT PAINTING OF BLURRED COLOURS WITH ONLY ONE IDENTIFIABLE OBJECT IN IT--A HALF DECENTLY-RENDERED TREE. KEVIN (to bystanders) This is from Mr. Whittingham's "Obese" period. This remarkable time saw him consuming multitudes of yeast- risen doughnuts and generic diet cola. He would rise at dawn and venture out into the nearby hills to capture the early morning light. After stopping at the doughnut shop and his regular confectionery, much of the morning was already consumed. KEVIN CONT'D (excited) Contrary to common belief in the artistic community his paintings in this period were actually only begun around one or two in the afternoon. JAMES CONTINUES TO PAINT IN THE BACKGROUND, OCCASIONALLY GIVING AN ECCENTRIC GLANCE AT KEVIN. KEVIN POINTS TO A PAINTING THAT RESEMBLES A SUNRISE. KEVIN He faked the beautiful light you see here. His paintings from the obese period typically sell to collectors for ten to fifteen thousand dollars. This one here entitled "Doughnuts at Dawn"... PERSON 1 In what? KEVIN Pot-bellied pigs. You wouldn't understand. Why don't we go over the where James is painting and see if we can find out what he's working on. KEVIN COERCES A FEW PEOPLE OVER TO WHERE JAMES IS PAINTING. JAMES CONTINUES WORKING ON A LARGE WATER COLOUR PAINTING THAT RESTS ON AN EASEL. A SUGAR DOUGHNUT IS ATTACHED TO THE TOP OF THE EASEL, OSTENSIBLY SO JAMES CAN USE IT AS A MODEL FOR THE PAINTING HE IS WORKING ON. KEVIN Excuse me James. I was wondering if you would indulge us by letting us in on what it is you are currently working on. JAMES Certainly, Kevin. It's a department store. KEVIN Really? A department store? What do you call it? JAMES Zeller's. KEVIN Would you mind us asking, then, what the doughnut on top of your easel is for? JAMES I'm going to eat it. KEVIN TURNS TO TALK TO THE PEOPLE/CAMERA. KEVIN Genius. Sheer artistic genius. JAMES TAKES THE DOUGHNUT OFF OF THE EASEL AND BEGINS EATING. HIS FIRST BITE RESULTS IN A LOOK OF GREAT TASTE SATISFACTION. KEVIN POINTS TO THE ABSTRACT PAINTING WITH A TREE IN THE CENTER. KEVIN (continuing) is available today for only seventy- five hundred dollars. It is signed and remained a part of Mr. Whittingham's Bathroom Gallery for the last four year. The artist has now decided to part with it and has generously offered to add as a bonus one of his painted doughnut boxes from this period. KEVIN REACHES BEHIND THE PAINTING TO HOLD UP A COMMERCIAL CARDBOARD DOUGHNUT BOX THAT IS COVERED IN GLOBE OF DRIED PAINT WITH SOME ICING SUGAR RESIDUE CAKED ON. KEVIN Even a novice will realize the inherit value of this box. And... KEVIN There's even a half-eaten doughnut still inside. I couldn't tell you what variety it is but it's well- documented that James hated crullers during his "Obese Period". This fact is evidenced in this painting over here entitled "Crullers are From Hell" painted in 1994. KEVIN HOLDS UP A SECOND ABSTRACT PAINTING THAT DEPICTS A BLURRED BEIGE CIRCLE IN FRONT OF BLENDED REDS AND ORANGES. THIS PAINTING, AS THE OTHERS, IS OBVIOUSLY NOT A MASTERPIECE. KEVIN This has been appraised at over twenty thousand dollars. PERSON 1 You guys are putting us on. KEVIN No, I agree. It is a bargain. I'd buy it myself but all my money is tied up in Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs right now. ACT III. |
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