D:\Cable\scripts\james

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32 INT. CABLE LAB. 32

JAMES, Louise, KEVIN, AND MILES ARE IN
THE LAB. MILES REWINDS A TAPE
RECORDING OF A VOICE.

MILES

She did call from Burger King.

JAMES

That's only a few blocks away. She'll

be here any second!

MILES

Two minutes, thirty seconds. She has

to go back to get a pie.

Louise

How could you possibly know that?

MILES

It's all there on the tape. She just

had lunch when she spoke to Kevin on

the phone but she's not quite full.

This woman's a big eater.

MILES POINTS TO AN ABERRATION IN A
GRAPH.

JAMES

Well, there's nothing I can do. I'm

going to have to face the music. Nice

knowing you, Louise.

Louise

She's not going to kill you, James.

Just tell her you're not interested.

I'm sure she'll understand. Lots of

people get crushes on people they see

on TV.

KEVIN

No woman has ever stalked me.
(to camera)

They obviously think he's gay. But

I'd give anything to be in his shoes

right now.

MR. SCADDING ENTERS THE LAB WITH
CARRIE, A STUNNING, AESTHETICALLY-
PLEASING YOUNG WOMAN.

FRED

James, I'd like you to meet Carrie.

Why don't you give her a big hug.

CARRIE, FULL OF GLEE, RUNS UP TO
KEVIN AND HUGS HIM. KEVIN SMILES
WIDELY.

CARRIE

Oh James you don't know how long I've

imagined this moment!

KEVIN

Nor do you.

Louise

Uh, Carrie. This is James.

Louise MOTIONS TO JAMES, CARRIE GIVES A
GLANCE IN JAMES' DIRECTION BUT
DOESN'T NOTICE HER ERROR.

CARRIE
(still staring into Kevin's
eyes)

Yeah, I always get you two confused.

James, what are you doing this

afternoon? Do you want to see a

movie?

KEVIN

Sure.

Louise

Kevin, you've got a shoot this

afternoon.

KEVIN

I don't know what you're talking

about, Louise. And stop calling me

Kevin.

KEVIN AND CARRIE EXIT THE LAB WITH
MR. SCADDING. MR SCADDING PUTS HIS
ARM AROUND KEVIN.

FRED

I've been telling James for ages that

he should settle down with a nice

girl.

JAMES
(pathetically to camera)

I don't believe this. I'm sick of

people getting us confused. Do I look

like a Kevin? This time it's really

getting to me.

MILES EXAMINES SOMETHING UNDER A
MICROSCOPE.

MILES

James. I took the liberty of taking a

hair sample off your stalker. There's

definitely something wrong with her.

JAMES

I don't care. That could have been me

with that goddess if only she didn't

get our frickin' names mixed up.

Louise

That doesn't make any sense.

MARSHAL ENTERS WITH A LARGE BOX OF
WINE.

MARSHAL

I got you wine, Mr. Wealthinham.

JAMES
(still dejected)

It's Whittingham.

Louise

You took that from a Church?

MARSHAL

Yeah. They buy it in bulk to save

money. It wasn't blessed yet but I

got the minister's wife to wake him

up to do it. Is this okay, Mr

Whittingham.

JAMES

You done good, boy. Now why don't you

go to the cafeteria and get us a

couple of straws so I can teach you

how to drink this stuff.

MARSHAL SMILES.

NEXT WEEK

33 INT. CABLE OFFICE. 33

JAMES SITS AT HIS DESK SUCKING ON A
BIG GULP WITH HIS FEET UP. KEVIN
EXAMINES THE INTRICACIES OF A MODEL
SHIP BUILT IN A BOTTLE. Louise AND MILES
WALK THROUGH THE OFFICE ON THEIR WAY
SOMEWHERE. ALL APPEARS TO BE JUST
ANOTHER DAY IN THE OFFICE.

AT THE NEXT DESK OVER, A FEMALE
SECRETARY ANSWERS A PHONE CALL.

SECRETARY
(excited, to James)

James. It's the president of Uganda.

He says it's urgent.

THE OTHERS TAKE NOTICE, EXCEPT KEVIN
WHO BARELY NOTICES THE CONVERSATION
AT FIRST.

JAMES
(somewhat annoyed at the
interruption)

The president of Uganda?

I thought there was a coup. Tell him

I'm in a meeting.

Louise

James, don't you think you should

take a phone call from the president

of Uganda when he says it's urgent?

JAMES

He'll call back.

Louise
(imploring)

James.

SECRETARY

He says terrorists have taken your

mother hostage and they're going to

shave her head within the hour.

JAMES SPRINGS TO LIFE. KEVIN PUTS
DOWN THE SHIP AND THINKS FOR A
MOMENT.

KEVIN

Hmmm. That might not be a bad look

for her.

JAMES STANDS.

JAMES
(serious tone)

Kevin, this is no time to change my

mother's hair style.
(to secretary)

Book me on the next available flight

to Uganda. I'm going to need a half

dozen Green Barets with combat

experience...

SECRETARY MAKES WRITTEN NOTES OF
JAMES LIST. JAMES UNHOLSTERS A
PREVIOUSLY UNSEEN .45 AUTOMATIC HAND
GUN AND COCKS IT.

JAMES

...a baker's dozen of M16's, a bottle

of brandy and, Miles, get a small

armed nuclear warhead-- something I

can get through customs.

MILES NODS AND EXITS TO THE LAB.

KEVIN

James, if you're going to Uganda so

am I.
(To secretary on phone)

When you're through, get me Margaret

Thatcher on the blower.
(Pained expression)

Tell her I'm calling in that favour.

JAMES

Kevin, she no longer holds public

office.

KEVIN
(to himself angrily)

Damn. I knew I shouldn't have waited

to call that one in.

KEVIN ALSO PULLS OUT A GUN FROM HIS
PANTS AND REMOVES SEVERAL HAND
GRENADES FROM HIS DESK DRAWER.

CUT TO LATER:

34 INT. UGANDAN LAYER. 34

KEVIN IS ATTACHED TO A WALL SPREAD
EAGLE AND UPSIDE DOWN. A UGANDAN
LEADER PLAYS "60 MINUTES OF GOLDFISH"
ON AN UPSIDE-DOWN TV SET.

CABLE ANNOUNCER
(distorted V.O.)

And now it's time for "Sixty Minutes

of Goldfish".

ELEVATOR MUSIC THEME TO "SIXTY
MINUTES OF GOLDFISH".

KEVIN
(screams in horror )

UGANDAN
(laughs maniacally)

JAMES IN MILITARY GARB AND AN ELDERLY
WOMAN, DRESSED THE SAME BUT WITH A
HELMET, BURST INTO THE ROOM WITH
WEAPONS AIMED.

JAMES

I think that'll be enough of that,

Bourtrous Bourtrous.
(eyes widen with excitement)

Hey. Is that the "Confusion Over a

Sunken Ship" episode?
SPONSOR TAG

35 GRAPHIC: JAMES AND KEVIN SHOW LOGO. 35

ANNOUNCER

The James and Kevin Show has been

brought to you this week by the Roman

numeral nine. "Where 'I' before 'X'

means less than'".

EPILOGUE

36 INT. MOVIE THEATRE. 36

KEVIN AND CARRIE SIT CLOSE TOGETHER
IN A SPARSELY-OCCUPIED MOVIE THEATRE
EATING POPCORN JUST BEFORE THE
PROJECTION STARTS.

CARRIE

James, you don't know how happy I am.

KEVIN

Uh, Carrie, there's something I

should tell you--

CARRIE

James there's something I should tell

you, too.
still full of glee)

I'm a nun!

I work in that church across the

street. I've been watching you for

weeks. Does that bother you?

KEVIN

Uh. No. Of course not. I majored in

religious studies in college.

CARRIE

Good. I'm so relieved. Of course we

could never sleep together. I've

taken vows, after all.

KEVIN
(mocking)

Oh, so have I.

CARRIE

Sex is highly over-rated, anyway.

Don't you think?

KEVIN
(glum)

Oh yeah. Sure.

CARRIE

We're going to have so much fun

together. Tonite you could come to

our hymn-sing in the church basement.

KEVIN STANDS UP WITH HIS POPCORN.

CARRIE

Where are you going?

KEVIN

To get popcorn.

CARRIE

You have popcorn.

KEVIN

I need some more.

KEVIN EXITS SULLEN.

FINISH CREDITS, ROLL PRODUCTION
COMPANY ANIMATION.

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