James' Stalker: Pilot Episode of The James and Kevin Show

The following is the pilot script for a half hour comedy television currently in development by James Whittingham and corporate partners. To receive a properly formated word processor file of this script e-mail the writer jameswhittingham@cableregina.com Series bible (writers' guide) also available.

Prologue 1. Int. James' Bedroom - Early Morning. James is buried in a twisted mess of sheets and comforters on his waterbed. The room is a disgusting mess. The phone rings and the answering machine picks up. James stirs slightly. James (on answering machine) Hi this is James. If you have any sense of decency you'll leave a message after the tone. (answering machine tone) Carrie (over answering machine monitor) (nervously excited) Hi James. You don't really know me. (pause) This is going to sound really weird and I don't and I don't want you to think that I'm a freak or anything but I really love your cable show on Access 10. I really think you and Kevin are hilarious. Well, especially you. I think you are adorable when you do your little comedy segments on TV. I know you're going to think I'm a stalker or something but I'm not. I have been watching you the last couple of days. James is more attentive now in bed. You eat a lot of fast food, don't you? Trust me, I'm not some sort of stalker. I just want to know if you're seeing anyone right now. I just think you are wonderful and I think about you all the time. I followed you home last night. I'm not used to going to bed that late. I hope you don't think this is too forward but I got you some flowers. I love you, James! Maybe I could be on your cable show sometime. I'll see you later--Oh. My names is Carrie. I guess you don't know it. I'll see you later, James. I hope we can go out some time. Oh, the flowers are on your desk beside your bed. Bye! James thrusts upright in bed with a shocked expression. (hang up click, answering machine tone) Phone rings again and the machine picks up at once. looks at it, worried that it's her again. (outgoing message) James (over machine) Hi this is-- (push button tone, caller bypasses James's message) (answering machine tone) Kevin (over answering machine monitor) James, it's Kevin. Wake up. We have a show to do. We're getting free food today. All the mini doughnut we can--. (Kevin sniffs over phone) Are those flowers? What are you doing with flowers? James looks at the answering machine beside his bed in amazement. CUT TO: SERIES INTRO Act I. 1. Int. Cable Office. Day. Kevin looks over James's desk which is covered in bouquets of flowers with ridiculously cute ornaments. Kevin shakes his head. Lal looks on. Kevin This is incredible. Who would do this. Especially to James? (he continues to the camera) Why don't I ever get a stalker. What does James have that I don have? What could this woman possibly see in him? Lal (to Kevin) Maybe he's her type. You're not everyone's cup of tea, you know. Kevin Thanks Lal. (to camera) It's not that James hasn't had his women. It's simply a matter of chemistry. Most of James's girl friends have gone on to paddle on the other side of the canoe, if you know what I mean. He hasn't had the greatest luck with members of the opposing sex. I love the guy and all but this sort of thing just doesn't happen to James. James enter the far end of the office wearing outdoor clothing. James (speaking loudly to be heard across the room) Kevin, get away from those. The boys in the lab said this woman could be nuts. Lal Hey loverboy. James Lal. Lal I don't think she's nuts. A woman doesn't have to be crazy to like a guy you know. Kevin She does if it's James she likes. Lal Kevin. James She may be nuts but at least she has taste. James picks up one or two of the vases. Help me take these things into the lab. Lal Why are the lab guys so sure she's nuts? Maybe she's a perfectly normal --possibly good-looking--person you might like. Kevin If she has all her teeth and sits down to pee James will like her. All three walk to the lab with the flowers. James I do have some sort of standards you know. Kevin Oh bull. You'd go out with anyone... Own teeth; sits down to pee. (to camera) The love monkey hasn't swung from James' tree in some time now. James (to camera) Don't listen to him. I'm not the sort of person to kiss and tell. (to Kevin) What makes you think I tell you everything about my personal life? Kevin Keith in customer service and I looked through your cable account. A man who's getting it doesn't order Yank My Doodle Dandy three times in one month. Lal James and Kevin enter the tech's lab. Miles the tech is busy working with a piece of equipment. Lal I don't think I want to hear this. James You don't. Kevin stop looking at my cable account. Kevin (snickering cockily) The account tells all. James Lal, as our producer I want you to fire Kevin's ass for snooping in my cable account. Lal I think that'll have to be up to Mr Scadding. James Miles, what have you got? (to camera) This is Miles. He's our main technician for the cable company. Not only can he get the snow off HBO but he can do a lab analysis on anything. Kevin (to camera) There's a rumor that the FBI contracts work out to him every now and then when something big comes up. Miles That's not true, gentlemen. The Bureau simply had some difficulties with their TNN reception because of interference from some of their sophisticated computer systems. The locals couldn't figure it out so I was called in to lend a hand. Miles walks over to a computer beside a microscope. Come over here for a moment. James, Kevin, and Lal set the flowers on a work bench and follow Miles. Miles holds up a voice analysis graph. This is your stalker's voice analysis from your answering machine tape. The pattern indicates a Caucasian female, early twenties, ... eldest of three children, arts education major, perhaps some who's done a lot of dieting the last few years but I can't be sure. I've fed this into a special program I have on the main frame computer and I should have a rough composite picture of what she looks like in a few minutes. Then I'll have a better idea about the dieting thing. Lal That's amazing. James (to camera) I told you he was good. Kevin acknowledges James's remark to the camera. Miles There's one thing I'm concerned about though. James What's that? Miles Remember when we had to put that tap on your phone line a few months back when you had that little problem? James Yeah. Lal What problem? Kevin James had some wacko calling him to inform him the pizza he had ordered was on its way to his place. (to camera) See, I told you he wasn't popular. James (to camera) They were all personal sized pizzas with green peppers and spinach. I don't even like spinach. Who would order a pizza with green peppers and spinach? I had to pick it all off. Miles A psychopath. That's who order a personal size pizza with green peppers and spinach. James nods in agreement. You see James, although we've never tracked that one down we do have the voice print and it's a ninety-nine per cent match with the flower girl. James But you told me that person was a man. The voice was obviously male. Miles A clever disguise. The voice print doesn't lie. At least ninety-nine per cent of the time. James we need to take precautions. This woman is unstable and possibly very dangerous. You should be careful when you are out shooting your show in public. ACT II. 1. INT. Mr Scadding's Office. Day. James and Kevin enter the doorway of Fred Scadding's office. Fred sits behind his desk and is accompanied by MARSHAL, the station's new volunteer. Kevin You wanted to see us Mr Scadding? Fred Yes, Kevin. Kevin It's Kevin, sir. Fred Oh. C'mon in. This is Marshal. He's volunteered at the cable station in Yorkton for the last couple of years and he's come to help us out. Marshal stands to greet James and Kevin. Marshal It's a pleasure to finally meet you guys. I love your show. You guys are hilarious. James (callous) Thank you. Mr. Scadding I have a bit of a problem and I'm concerned about-- Fred Yeah, I know some psycho woman been putting flowers in your apartment. Does she know you have hay fever? James I--I don't know, sir-- Marshal I have hay fever. Kevin Shut up, Marshal. Fred Marshal and I are related, Allardyce. Kevin How bad do you get it? Fred He's a nephew or something. It's difficult to figure things out in my family. The men keep dying early and the woman always remarry and disappear. Are you fellas married? James and Kevin No, Sir. Fred Well you should start thinking about it. I talked to your mother the other day James, she's very concerned. Perhaps you should give this nut woman a fair shake. James But Sir the lab says-- Fred Oh don't listen to the lab. They still can't figure out why my wife's right eye started twitching the moment they set up my direct to home satellite service last summer. Lal enters the doorway to interrupt. Lal Excuse me Mr. Scadding. James you have a phone call. I think it's your stalker. James Oh God. Fred Talk to her. See what she's like. If she's got her own teeth and sits down to pee maybe you'll like her. James and Kevin rise. Marshal My mom sits down to pee. Kevin You must be very proud. James Mr. Scadding, I really don't want to talk to this woman. Did you tell her I was in the building? Lal I told her you were out for lunch but she said you don't take lunch 'till 11:45 and she was already at Burger King. I didn't know what to say. James Kevin you talk to her. Tell her I'm shooting something in the studio or something. Kevin Alright. James and Kevin begin to leave. Should I ask her about the pee thing? James I don't care. Just try to get her off my back. Fred Boys, take Marshal with you. Kevin Why? Fred He wants to work on your show. He seems to think you're funny. I don't know why. Lal Mr. Scadding, we already have a full staff of experienced volunteers. Fred Well maybe he could be their personal assistant or something. Maybe James could use a bodyguard. Marshal I would be a great bodyguard for you guys. If I see anyone who sits down to pee I'll go after them and disable them at once. Lal Great. Kevin You play a lot of Dungeons and Dragons, don't you? Marshal Yeah. So? Fred Give him a chance. He's a smart boy. James What can we have him do? Fred Anything that will be helpful to your show. Just keep him busy. James Yes, sir. 2. INT. Cable Office. Day. Kevin picks up the phone while James, Marshal, and Lal watch. Kevin Hello? No. This is Kevin with whom am I speaking? James (to Marshal) I'm going to need a drink. Do you drink, Marshal? Marshal No, not yet, but-- James Go to the cafeteria and get James a drink-in box of their worst white wine. Lal Wine? James Just go, boy. And don't come back till you get me that wine. James sends Marshal out of their immediate office. Kevin (still on phone) No, honest. He can't come to the phone right now. He's...he's having his artificial leg refitted. It's been acting up ever since his last girl friend took that lightening bolt right off his knee cap. She may never tap dance again. She couldn't make a tapping noise if her life depended on it. She's Jell-O now. Pure Jell-o. She has to be kept refrigerated. Miles enters with a photograph. Miles James, we have the computer generated photo. James (taking the photo) I knew it. She's a mule. Lal Just because someone likes you doesn't mean she has to be unattractive. Lal takes the photograph. Ooh. Maybe I'm wrong. Miles Note the floral blouse and the piercing eyes. She may have been a bee in a past life. Lal (sarcastic) Didn't the computer tell you that already? James, you can't rely on a computer to know what this woman looks like. James (adjusting picture) She looks like a computer. Something pre Pentium, I would think. Miles takes another look at the photo and is pre-occupied by it. James checks in on Kevin's telephone conversation. Kevin (on phone) Do I sit down to pee? I've done it a couple of times when I had a little too much to drink. It just simplified the process. It's not a regular habit of mine... Marshal eagerly returns, somewhat out of breath. Marshal The cafeteria lady said they don't have any wine. I searched behind the counter when she wasn't looking. All I found was this flask full of Bourbon, I think. James (impressed) Good work, Marshal. But James needs some wine. There's a church across the street. Go over there and see what you can dig up. Marshal (even more earnest) Alright. (to Kevin) Mr. Allardyce I'm going across the street to the Church to get James some wine. Do you want anything? Kevin covers the mouthpiece on the telephone. Kevin Sure. Ask them if they have anything in a blessed Chardonnay. Marshal, not sensing any sarcasm, fervently rushes off. (continuing on phone) I'm telling you he's not here. There's no point in coming here--hello? Oh-oh. Kevin hangs up the phone and abruptly tries to leave. James (shocked) She's coming here. She's coming here isn't she? Kevin (nervously lying) No. I got to go. I'll see you. Station ID-1 1. Opening shot of small urban mundane park scene. The shot features a Canadian goose. Elevator music under. A bad voice over man announces the station identification for the community cable access channel in a small city called Regina. Cable Announcer (V.O.) You are watching Access 10. Community television in the beautiful city of Regina. Where the soup of the day is... Cheese. FADE to black. The Set Up - "Water Colour Painting" 1. EXT. SHOPPING MALL PARKING LOT - DAY. Establishing shots of a exhibit set up outside a mall. Several water colour paintings are on display while an artist--JAMES--works on another, somewhat in the background. CABLE ANNOUNCER (VO) This weekend come down to the Strathmore Mall in Regina to see an exhibit of renowned water colour artist and philanthropist James Whittingham. This exciting show and sale lasts until 5 pm Sunday only and is introduced by Access 10 personality, Kevin Allardyce. 2. EXT. KEVIN TALKING TO ACTUAL PEOPLE ABOUT INDIVIDUAL PAINTINGS. KEVIN stands in front of an abstract painting of blurred colours with only one identifiable object in it--a half decently rendered tree. KEVIN This is from Mr Whittingham's "Obese" period. This remarkable time saw him consuming multitudes of yeast-risen doughnuts and generic diet cola. He would rise at dawn and venture out into the near by hills to capture the early morning light. After stopping at the doughnut shop and his regular confectionary much of the morning was already consumed. (with great excitement) Contrary to common belief in the artistic community his paintings in this period were actually only begun around one or two in the afternoon. James continues to paint in the background occasionally giving an eccentric glance at Kevin. KEVIN He faked the beautiful light you see here. His paintings from the obese period typically sell to collectors for ten to fifteen thousand dollars. This one here entitled "Doughnuts at Dawn"... Kevin points to the abstract painting with a tree in the centre. KEVIN (continuing) is available today for only seventy-five hundred dollars. It is signed and remained a part of Mr Whittingham's bathroom gallery for the last four years. The artist has now decided to part with it and has generously offered to add as a bonus one of his painted doughnut boxes from this period. Kevin reaches behind the painting to hold up a commercial cardboard doughnut box that is covered in globs of dried paint with some icing sugar residue caked on. KEVIN Even a novice will realize the inherit value of this box. And... Kevin shakes the box so we can hear a dried doughnut bounce off the walls of the box. James gives a glance. KEVIN there's even a half eaten doughnut still inside. I couldn't tell you what variety it is but it's well-documented that James hated crullers during his "Obese Period". This fact is evidenced in this painting over here entitled "Crullers are From Hell" painted in 1994. Kevin holds up a second abstract painting that depicts a blurred beige circle in front of blended reds and oranges. This painting, as the others, is obviously not a masterpiece. KEVIN This has been appraised at over twenty thousand dollars. PERSON 1 You guys are putting us on. KEVIN No, I agree. It IS a bargain. I'd buy it myself but all my money is tied up in Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs right now. PERSON 1 In what? KEVIN Pot-bellied pigs. You wouldn't understand. Why don't we go over to where James is painting and see if we can find out what he's working on. Kevin coerces a few people over to where James is painting. James continues working on a large water colour painting that rests on an easel. A sugar doughnut is attached to the top of the easel, ostensibly so it's image can be transferred onto the canvass. KEVIN Excuse me James. I was wondering if you would indulge us by letting us in on what it is you are currently working on. JAMES Certainly, Kevin. It's a department store. KEVIN Really? A department store? What do you call it? JAMES Zeller's. KEVIN Would you mind us asking, then, what the doughnut on top of your easel is for? JAMES I'm going to eat it. Kevin turns to talk to the people/camera. KEVIN Genius. Sheer artistic genius. James takes the doughnut off of the easel and begins eating. His first bite results in a look of great taste satisfaction. Commercial Parody: Home Liposuction 1. EXT. CITY STREET - DAY. James walks down a city sidewalk while addressing the camera in his hollow, transparent "I'm on TV and you are not" voice. JAMES Hello, I'm James Whittingham. Perhaps you know me from "The James and Kevin Show". Regardless, by now you've probably noticed my great, free and easy hair cut. I achieved this fantastic look not at a salon, but with the patented Flowbee. A revolutionary device that attaches to the end of your vacuum cleaner hose. 2. EXT. STREET BY MEDICAL CLINIC. JAMES Well the innovative folks at Fat Devil, North America's most trusted vacuum company, took this idea one step further. They said, "What works for great hair cuts could also work for weight management. James stops on the sidewalk to show a medical clinic in the background. JAMES Why spend thousands of dollars on a simple procedure you can do in the comfort of your own home? 3. GRAPHIC: BEFORE AND AFTER PHOTOS OF JAMES. An actual photo of James Whittingham when he was over a hundred pounds heavier with the caption "before" over it. Beside it a recent photo of James with the caption "after" over it. JAMES (V.O.) I lost a total of a hundred and twenty pounds with the Fat Devil Home Liposuction System. Friends, let me tell you that I've never felt better. And I still enjoy generous portions of the foods I love. 4. INT. LIVING ROOM. James stands holding a vacuum cleaner hose in one hand and a thin plastic tube attachment in the other. JAMES The Fat Devil Home Liposuction kit comes complete with a doctor-inspired, patented vacuum cleaner attachment, a sterilized scalpel--that's something the medical profession uses to cut things with--and a suture kit that's as easy to use as sewing a button on an old sweater. Camera ZOOMS IN to a medium close up. The vacuum is heard being powered on. A dental-like suction- slurping is heard out of frame. James grimaces slightly but continues to speak over the noise. JAMES Order now and you will receive the ExtendaSuck attachment with mirror for hard to reach problem areas. 4. INT. ANOTHER LIVING ROOM. Kevin struggles with an adult long-haired cat and a vacuum cleaner with a Flowbee-like attachment. JAMES (V.O.) And, as a special bonus if you call in the next five minutes, we'll also send you the Popeel Flowbee for cats. At twenty-nine, ninety-nine value. Kevin powers on the vacuum and tries to apply the attachment to his cat but the cat resists and it goes out of frame with the attachment making contact. (flurry of cat cries and screams off camera) A moment later the cat noises abruptly stop and a short hair small cat that is a fraction of the size of the first emerges as if it just received a major hair cut and has quickly forgotten the whole ordeal. 5. GRAPHIC AND PHOTO--FAT DEVIL HOME LIPOSUCTION KIT. JAMES (V.O.) Call now to order the Fat Devil home liposuction kit. Operators are standing by. You'll get the patented Fat Devil home liposuction kit with the bonus ExtendaSuck attachment, and the Flowbee for Cats, a twenty-nine, ninety-nine value. ---------------------------------------------------------- Related breaker skit to precede a skit or segment later in the show. BREAKER SKIT 1. LIVING ROOM. A rear view of a LARGE MAN seated on a couch. He is wearing a Halloween devil's costume working something we cannot see in his abdomen area. A vacuum cleaner motor and slurping-sucking is heard under the voice over. CABLE ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The following Access 10 community program is brought to you by Fat Devil. Graphic: Fat Devil Logo. News Brief 1. NEWS BRIEF INTRO, MUSIC, GRAPHICS. This is an Access 10 information update. Here is Elvis Manning. 2. INT. ACCESS 10 NEWS SET. ELVIS Manning, a journalist who's talent is just short of that of a broadcaster working at a local broadcast station, sits behind his desk on the modest cable news set. Elvis isn't entirely objective. There is a hint of satisfaction whenever he reports on bad things happening to James and Kevin. Elvis is in his mid thirties and is fairly straight looking, not baring any resemblance to the "King". ELVIS Good evening. James Whittingham of the Access 10 program "The James and Kevin Show" mortal danger at this hour. A mad woman, referring to herself as simply "Carrie", is reported to have stalked the performer for several days and is apparently close to hunting him down like the dog that he is. 3. COVER FOOTAGE OF JAMES DOING HIS MAN ON THE STREET SHOW ELVIS (V.O.) The Access 10 personality is now in hiding from his attacker. Police inspector Rob Darwitz believes Whittingham may be dead by dawn. 4. INT. POLICE OFFICE. DARWITZ stands by his squad car in front of a doughnut shop. DARWITZ There's really nothing we can do other than pray. Obviously we're hoping for the best. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. 5. INT. CABLE OFFICE. Kevin stands and talks to the unseen reporter, occasionally looking at the camera. He is nervous to be video graphed in this manner. KEVIN It's really an unfortunate situation. I wish there were more we could do for him. I feel for James. I've had my share of obsessed women come after me as well. 6. INT. MR. SCADDING'S OFFICE. Mr Scadding sits with uncomfortable posture behind his desk. His hands are clasped in front of him. He too is not comfortable being interviewed. FRED Nobody in television is that easy to replace, but, yeah, we could probably get someone to take over from him on the show. 7. INT. JAMES' MOM'S GARDEN. JAMES' MOM As soon as they hit puberty they become trouble makers. He's been in and out of trouble since he was twelve. Thirty-six hours in labour for that. My heavens. 8. EXT. DOUGHNUT SHOP. A STALKER, a scruffy young woman from the wrong side of the tracks, stands in front of the doughnut shop. GRAPHIC: "Confessed Stalker" STALKER Mr. Whittingham, guy from the cable show? Yeah, I'd say he's in some trouble. Probably get hurt good if he doesn't go out with her. I'd certainly make him pay for what he done. DARWITZ walk through the background carrying a disposable coffee cup. 9. INT. CABLE NEWS STUDIO. ELVIS MANNING We'll have more after Whittingham is killed. I'm Elvis Manning. ACT III. 1. INT. Cable Lab. Day. James, Lal Kev Miles are in the lab. Miles rewinds a tape recording of a voice. Miles She did call from Burger King. James That's only a few blocks away. She'll be here any second! Miles Two minutes, thirty seconds. She has go back to get a pie. Lal How could you possibly know that? Miles It's all there on the tape. She just had lunch when she spoke to Kevin on the phone but she's not quite full. This woman's a big eater. Miles points to an aberration in a graph. James Well, there's nothing I can do. I'm going to have to face the music. Nice knowing you, Lal. Lal She's not going to kill you, James. Just tell her you're not interested. I'm sure she'll understand. Lots of people get crushes on people they see on TV. Kevin No woman has ever stalked me. (to camera) Why is that? I'm an immaculate dresser. My hair is always perfect. I like show tunes. James (to camera) They obviously think he's gay. But I'd give anything to be in his shoes right now. Mr. Scadding enters the lab with Carrie, a universally aesthetically-pleasing young woman. Fred James, I'd like you to meet Carrie. Why don't you give her a big hug. Carrie, full of glee, runs up to Kevin and hugs him. Kevin smiles widely. Carrie Oh James you don't know how long I've imagined this moment! Kevin Nor do you. Lal Uh, Carrie. This is James. Lal motions to James. Carrie gives a glance in James' direction but barely notices her error. Carrie Oh. Yeah. I always get you two confused. James--I mean Kevin. What are you doing this afternoon? Do you want to see a movie? Kevin Sure. Lal Kevin, you've got a shoot this afternoon. Kevin I don't know what you're talking about, Lal. Kevin and Carrie exit the lab with Mr Scadding. Mr Scadding puts his arm around Kevin. Fred I've been telling James for ages that he should settle down with a nice girl. James (pathetically to camera) I don't believe this. I'm sick of people getting us confused. Do I look like a Kevin? This time it's really getting to me. Miles examines something under a microscope. Miles James. I took the liberty of taking a hair sample off your stalker. There's definitely something wrong with her. James I don't care. That could have been me with that goddess if only she didn't get our frickin' names mixed up. Lal That doesn't make any sense. Marshal enters with a large box of wine. Marshal I got your wine, Mr Wealthingham. James (still dejected) It's Whittingham. Lal You took that from a Church? Miles Yeah. They buy it in bulk to save money. It wasn't blessed yet but I got the minister's wife to wake him up to do it. Is this okay, Mr Whittingham. James You done good, boy. Now why don't you go to the cafeteria and get us a couple of straws so I can teach you how to drink this stuff. Marshal smiles. EPILOGUE 1. INT. Movie Theatre. Day. Kevin and Carrie sit close together in a sparsely-occupied movie theatre eating popcorn just before the projection starts. Carrie James, you don't know how happy I am. Kevin Carrie, there's something I have to tell you-- Carrie James there's a few things I should tell you, too. (still full of glee) I'm a nun! I work in that church across the street. I've been watching you for weeks. Does that bother you? Kevin Uh. No. Of course not. I majored in religious studies in college. Carrie Good. I'm so relieved. Of course we could never sleep together. I have take vows. Kevin Oh, so have I. Carrie Sex is highly over-rated, anyway. Don't you think? Kevin (glum) Oh yeah. Sure Carrie We're going to have so much fun together. Tonite you could come to our hymn-sing in the church hall. Kevin stands up with his popcorn. Where are you going? Kevin To get popcorn. Carrie You have popcorn. Kevin I need some more. Kevin exits, sullen. Finish Credits