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These are just for fun, please do
not take offence by them.
BLONDE JOKES
A blonde in a bar finds herself caught up in
conversation with
another blonde.
"Slow night, huh?" says the first blonde.
"Yeah," says the second blonde. "So, where are you
from?"
"I'm from New York," says the first blonde.
"Really?" says the
second blonde. "So am I! Here, let me buy you a drink!"
"Thanks!" says the first blonde. "So, where did you
grow
up?" "Upper West Side," says the second blonde.
"Central Park
West, near 74th." "My God!" says the first blonde.
"That's
amazing! That's my old neighborhood!
What school did you go to?" "All private schools,"
says the
second blonde. "I graduated from Sacred Heart High in
'94."
"I can't believe this!" says the first blonde. "I
graduated from
Sacred Heart in '94 too!" "No way!" says the second
blonde,
astonished. "That's incredible!"
About this time, one of the bar's regulars comes in, sits down,
and greets the bartender. "Hiya, Sam. Anything going on
tonight?" "Not much," says the bartender.
"Except that the
Murphy twins are drunk again."
*
Mirror mirror....
Legend has it that there is a restaurant in New York where, in
the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands
in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a
wish. However, if one tells a lie-*poof*-you are instantly
swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
Sooooo, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies
Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the
most beautiful woman in the world."-*poof*-The mirror
swallows
her. Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and
says, "I think I'm losing weight."-*poof*-The mirror
swallows
her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before
the mirror and says, "I think...."-*poof*-
*
A blonde is driving along a free way when she cuts in front of a
truck driver, getting really annoyed the truck driver pulls her
over, and draws a circle and says stand here and don't move
the trucker goes to the blondes car and smashes all the windows,
the blonde starts laughing. "If you think that's funny wait
till
you see this!" And he slashes all the tires, and still the
blonde is laughing, "This won't be funny!" and he sets
the car
on fire, and still the blonde is laughing hysterically. He
says "what's so funny, I have done all this to your
car!"
"Why are you laughing?"
"While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle 5
times."
*
*Alligator Shoes*
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She
wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes allot, but was very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle"
attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just
go
out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a
reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll
luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he
spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water,
shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 12_foot alligator
swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature,
and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The
shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped
the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn
it,
this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
*
The blonde and the lawyer
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun
game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The
lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of
fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't
know
the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa. "Again, she
declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated,
says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00,
and
if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This
catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no
end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word,
reaches
into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the
lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What
goes
up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The
lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his
modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no
answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and
coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and
hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and
turns back
to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde
and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the
blonde
reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to
sleep.
*
One day there was a brunette jogging down the road
saying, "66....66....66..." etc. Later down the road a
blonde
comes up to her and asks her what she is doing. The brunette
replied "66...66...66" so, the blonde went to the other
side of
the road and started jogging down the road
saying "66...66...66" after a while, the brunette
hollers over
to the blonde and said "It's allot more fun in the middle of
the
road." "Ok." replied the blonde and started jogging
down the
middle of the road. Just then, a monster truck comes by and
hits the blonde. The brunette still kept jogging down the road
saying "67...67...67."
*
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact
on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it,
looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks
familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first
blonde
hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and
says, "You dummy, it's me!"
*
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes
out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and
when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take
out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend
yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies,
"Shut up,
you're next!"
*
A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes
were dumb. They established a judges panel of people to ask the
questions. On the day of the judging the people started off by
asking, "What is 59+2?"
The first blonde contestant responded by saying, "57?"
The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give
her another chance!"
Then they asked, "What is 15-5?"
The blonde responded, "20 right?"
Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, "Give her
another chance, give her another chance!"
The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, "What is
1+2?"
"3?" said the blonde.
The rest of the blondes say, "Give her another chance, give
her
another chance!"
*
BLONDE ON THE SUN:
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American
said," We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said,
"So
what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian
and
the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You
can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you
know. We're going at night!"
*
KNITTING:
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the
blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was
oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked
down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, "PULLOVER! "NO," the blonde yelled back,
"IT'S A SCARF!"
*
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the
loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for
two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security
for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls
Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,
she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to
accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at
the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a
$5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the
Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says,
"Miss,
we are very happy to have had your business, and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled.
"While you were away, we checked you out and found that you
are
a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to
borrow $5,000?"
The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park
my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there
when I return?"
Finally, a smart blonde joke!
*
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in
Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class
section and sits down. The flight attendant watches
her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells
the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will
have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm
blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm
staying right here." The flight attendant goes into
the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that
there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that
belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to
explain that because she only paid for Economy she
will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde
replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Montreal and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should
have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a
blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde."
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and
without question she gets up and moves back to her seat
in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot
are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move
without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."
REDNECK JOKES
One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand
full
of chicken wire.
His father said, 'Son, where are you going?'
The son replied, 'I'm going to catch me some chickens.'
The father said, 'Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken
wire.' But
the son insisted that he knew what he was doing.
Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his
hand.
The father thought, 'I guess he knows what he's doing.'
The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with
some
duck tape.
The father said, 'Son, where are you going?'
The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some ducks.'
The father yelled, 'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!'
The son insisted that he knew what he was doing.
Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm.
The father thought, 'Shoot, I guess he does know what he's
doing!!'
The next morning the son got up and was leaving the house with a
hand full of pussy willows.
The father said, 'Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!'
*
A man had just moved from his big apartment in NYC, to a big farm
way out in the country side. Just days after he moved, he realized
he
was out of chicken feed, so he went down to the nearest store (a
good
2-hour drive away).
"Can you get me some chicken feed?" the man asked.
"Yup, but ya can't have none unless you can prove to me you
actually
gots chickens. Don't want no one eatin' it or nothin' an' gettin'
sick."
the clerk responded.
He argued with her a bit, but finally gave in and took a two hour
drive
back and forth once again, this time with the chicken.
"Here's my
chicken. Now get me the chicken feed." He got his feed and
drove
home.
The next day he ran out of dog food. Once again, he drove down to
the
store, foolishly not thinking about bringing his dog. It was the
same
case. He had to present his dog to the stubborn clerk. He went
back
home and retrieved his dog, and got his dog food.
The next day, he went down to the store again, this time with a
shoe
box with a lid on it that had a hole in the top. He walked into
the store
and said to the clerk "Put your finger in this, take it out,
and smell it."
"That smells like... crap!" she said with a look of
surprise on her face.
"Yup. Can you get me some toilet paper."
*
A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species
of
gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very
"in the
mood", and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem.
The
gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male
gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed
Ed,
a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals'
cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed
ample
ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed
was
approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex
with
the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would
have
to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer,
but
only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss
her. Secondly, you must
never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so
they
asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to
come up with the
$500."
*
Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his
gun
and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was
confronted by the Sheriff.
"Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin'
walkin' down
Main Street wearin' nothin' but your gun belt and boots?"
"Well Sheriff, it's a long story."
"I ain't going nowhere", said the Sheriff.
"Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the
saloon.
We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin'
kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out to the barn?'
So
we did.
Then we started getting real close and cuddlin' and smoochin' and
Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out back and go up to the top of
the
hill.' So we did."
He continued, "We started cuddlin' and smoochin' some more
and the
next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she
suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and
boots.
Then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart
and said 'Okay,Billy-Bob, go to town'.
*
This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the
bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here,
are
ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell
is a
taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK
boys,
he's one of us!"
*
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his
hens.
The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was
getting on
in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't
hurt.
So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns
him
loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's
a
little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old
rooster-
I've got to do something about this!
He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in
town?
I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not
ready
for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird.
And to
prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over
there.
We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to
have all
the hens for himself.'
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely
thought he
was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and
since
I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll
still win
easy!'
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with
all
the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens
start
cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster
is still
maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has
slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time
around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the
young fella.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion.
He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the
barnyard
figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets
there,
he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old
rooster still slightly in the lead.
He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young
rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..... 'Damn, that's the
third
gay rooster I've bought this month.'
*
A redneck and a Frenchman were caught in Kentucky for making and
selling bad moonshine. The law decided to hang them off the middle
of
the Ohio Bridge. They tied the rope around the Frenchman's neck
and
said, "Do you have any last words?"
He said, "No."
They threw him off the bridge, but the rope was too long. He
removed
the rope from his neck and swam to the Ohio side of the river.
Then they tied the same rope around the redneck's neck and said,
"Do
you have any last words to say?"
He said, "Yes, shorten up that rope boys 'cause I can't
swim."
*
Two men from West Virginia went hunting. They were named Billy
and Jimmy. Billy said to Jimmy, "Shoot at any deer that
moves."
They both went to different tree stands. Well, Billy forgot his
smokes
and went to ask Jimmy for a cigarette. When Billy started going
over
to Jimmy, Jimmy shot him.
Jimmy took him to the hospital and the doctor comes out. Jimmy
asks,
"Will he be O.K. Doc?"
The doctor said, "Sure, if you hadn't field dressed him in
the woods."
*
A redneck has five bucks and is horny, so he thinks to himself,
"Maybe
I'll go to that whorehouse I've been hearin' so much 'bout."
The
redneck walks in, approaches a very burlesque, good-looking woman
and says, "I've got 5 bucks, give me your best."
The man is immediately escorted to a room with a mirror, a couch,
and a chicken in the corner. The woman shuts the door. The man
reluctantly takes the chicken and finishes his business. He then
realized that that was the best sex he'd ever had.
The following week, the man brings $10 of his hard earned money,
and
offers it to the woman. He is the whisked off in to a small room
with a
few benches and a double sided mirror. The small room quickly
fills
with men and women alike.
Two women walk into the room that the people are viewing. The two
lesbians then proceed to make love on the table.
The redneck nudges the man next to him and exclaims, "Damn,
for 10
bucks, this is damn good." The man then chuckles and says,
"You
should have been here last week, we had a man screwing a
chicken."
*
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right
away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if
I drag
her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?"
*
How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
*
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says
to
the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
*
Question: What does a redneck divorce and a tornado have in
common?
Answer: One way or the other someone is losing their trailer!
*
Question: Why do they throw shit on the walls at redneck weddings?
Answer: To keep the flies off the bride!
*
Question: What do you call a New Zealand Redneck with 6 sheep?
Answer: A pimp.
*
Question: Why are New Zealand sheep so scared?
Answer: Because Kiwi Rednecks have got Velcro gloves.
*
You know you're staying in a redneck motel, when you call up the
front desk to say you gotta leak in the sink, and the guy says,
"Go
ahead."
*
Question: How long does it takes a redneck to eat road kill?
Answer: It depends on how heavy the traffic is.
*
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his
phony $18
bills would be in some small hick Texas town. So, he got into his
new
wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and
handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter.
"Can you
change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled
and told
the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3
sixes?"
*
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough (they could not afford a larger double wide) So, the
husband
went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he
and
his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor
told
him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix
the
problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks
are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold
the can
up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor,
"I
may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry
bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me -- I don't
want to
go deaf!"
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The
Georgia
physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a
vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor
instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it,
place
it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man
went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3,
4, 5 . . .", at
which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand . . .
*
An Irishman, a Italian and a redneck were doing construction work
on
the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The
Irishman
said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and
cabbage one
more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Italian opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Pasta again!
If I get
pasta one more time, I'm going to jump off too."
The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I
get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and
cabbage and jumps to his death. The Italian opens his lunch, sees
pasta
and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and
jumps to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If
I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would
have given it to him again!"
The Italian's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given
him linguini
or mastacholi! I didn't realize he hated pasta so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't
look at
me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."
*
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and
thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in
to see
the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you
own a
weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,"
replied the
professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since
you have a
yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a
wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was
catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that
you are
heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin'
thing I ever
heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back
into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?"
asked the
first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
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